I think I should take this opportunity to share with you all the advice I have.

1. Vodka is evil.

2. So is Cider.

3. Drink beer. Frequently and in excessive amounts.

4. Don't argue with men in pizza shops.

5. Don't eat yellow snow.

6. Everything is funny as long as its happening to someone else.

7.Always wear jumpers when it is cold. Unless you like your nipples being harder than quantum physics.

8. Swear to get your point across.

9. When arguing with Jill, never, ever say "Eh?"

10. Buses are never late when you want them to be.

11. Chinese delivery men think you are mad when you answer the door with your bra over your t-shirt and your hair tied up with socks.

12. Worthington's and Jack Daniels may taste nice, but half an hour later......

13. Never EVER pole-dance in a club. Unless you want the DJ to say over the speakers "Hey, everyone, look at her!!!"

14. Remember that the Millennium Dome is in London. Not Bristol.

15. Go to festivals and gigs at every opportunity.

16. DON'T DO DRUGS.

17. Small Chinese men are perverts.

18. Play your music LOUDLY.

19. BEWARE OF HORNY CAMELS!

20. Garlic Doritoes should be handled with care. Especially when mixed with Budweiser.

21. The most uplifting experience ever is going through a Drive-Thru in a supermarket trolley.

22. Pay your exorcist, or you may get repossessed.

23. If Guff is drinking, wear a wetsuit! 

24. Libraries have books.

25. Port-a-loos are flammable.

26. Aerosol cans are explosive.

27. So are cans of Carling.

28. Piercing yourself can hurt. Piercing others does not.

29. Snow falls outside for a reason.

30. It's not big or clever to eat horseradish in exchange for a pint of Guinness.